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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 24, 2008 13:57:19 GMT -5
Com Here if you wanna comment on and read the stories I tell you guys.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 24, 2008 14:04:17 GMT -5
My Favorite. The prison story.
Well after my trip with the gypsy a few misadventures landed me in prison. Not just any prison but New Swaziland prison. Thats like one of the worst prisons in all of Iowa. After a fight with a man over a box of cheerios I found myself stuck in solitary confinement, but at least I was not dead like him. I learned a lot about my self in that 3' x 3' cell with no food for three months. For one thing I'm very claustrophobic. With no food and in a tiny cell your mind starts to play tricks on you. I thought I was in my coffin sometimes others I was in Sassy's Vagina. It was hell. One night I found myself. I had my power dream. I found myself at the bottom of a huge fiery mountain. I knew what I had to do, get to the top. I battled dragons, demons, homosexuals, and Beelzebub himself before I got to the top. When I reached the summit I was welcomed by a beautiful naked woman who said to me "Joseph I am your destiny" right then I knew what I needed to do grab my destiny by the tits and fuck it. So I did, and as I reached my climax so did my destiny. Though, instead of cum two giant falcons flew from our genitals, and I knew my spirit animal. A badass fuck falcon!!! When the guards finally took me from that hellhole I was dazed, confused, hungry, tired, and covered in my own cum.
Then my aunt bailed me out and I spent the summer with her and my cousins on her graple orchard.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 24, 2008 14:07:38 GMT -5
The Chipmunk story.
Well while in texas I met Alvin and the chipmunks. I actually became rather good friends with Alvin, so he introduced me to his girlfriend. This chipmunk, sally was her name, had the biggest tits, proportionally, of any other being I've ever seen. After weeks I began to fall in love with this huge breasted rodent. Not in the since of girlfriend but more of the way one would love a pet. I decided I would make Sally mine.
I needed to catch her and place her in a cage so I could pet her magnificent breast every day. I took a box placed it on a stick attached to a string and put a sugar cube under it, and then I waited. Finally Sally came for a mid day snack. As she went to grab the sugar I pulled the string trapping my new big titty pet. I put her in an aquarium in the back of my closet were I hoped no one would find her. After a few weeks Alvin began to wonder where his love had gone. He asked me because he knew I had developed a kinship to Sally. He could tell from my poor lying skills I knew something, so he went to my room. I told him to get the fuck out but that just made him more aggressive. After a long search he finally gave up and left. Though he returned shortly with his gun. He told me he would kill me if I didn't tell him where his woman was. I couldnt tell him I'd been feeling her up every day for weeks he would kill me anyway. I tackled the deranged chipmunk wrestling him to the ground and trying to wrench the gun from his tiny grasp. After a long Struggle I finally succeeded. I promised I would leave and he would never see me again. "Not unless you give me back Sally" he screamed as he tackled me.
As he tackled me the gun accidentally discharged a round into the rodents little chest. I panicked and began packing. I through the poor little body into the fire of the fire place, and left with, so i thought, everything that could prove I was there. Everything but Sally who it turned out saw the whole thing because Alvin left the door open a little in his rage. He couldnt here or see sallys aquirium because I moved her after about the first week to a shelf in the top of my closet. (lucky he is a short bastard). She was found 3 days later by police searching for her and Alvin. She told them the whole story. When the pigs finally caught up to me I was in New Swaziland. They put me away for voluntary rodentslaughter.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 24, 2008 14:11:39 GMT -5
Gysies so much fun she had to be Black.
I was hitchhiking highway 370, just north of the Canada-America border. A big Volts Wagon Hippie van pulled to the side of the road. As the van puled next to me I could smell the most seducing fragrance of some herb I couldn't place. When the door opened a burst of smoke came out the entire van was full of this thick smoke. The man behind the wheel asked me where I was heading so I told him I was heading down Mexico way, Luckily he was heading to Texas so that would help a lot. I crawled into the van trying to keep my head low and out of the smoke so I could breathe. It didn't take me long to find the source of the smoke. There was a small, but bright, yellow fire were the radio should be. "I believe your vehicle is a flame good sir" I informed the driver. "Thats our light. You see this van doesnt have head lights it focuses the light from this fire" He explained. I could here bongo drums coming from somewhere but after looking for about thirty minutes I couldn't find them, so I asked the driver. "Oh thats just Miss. Velvet" He replied. Thinking the man was a fucking lunatic, because it was only he and I in the van, I asked who and where Miss. Velvet was. "You probably think I'm a Fucking lunatic" He said "kind of" I said. He explained she rides on the top of the van because of the smoke. This made sense to me because it was dark and it would be easy to miss someone sitting in top of the van.
"Well this is where we spend the night" The driver who's name turned out to be Led Belly, But I could call him Led. I stepped out of the van to find us in the middle of no where and on a beach. "what the hell is this I thought we were going to Texas" I Exclaimed. "We are Dumb fuck we are going to go by see to bypass the border" he replied politely. "Why the fuck do we need to bypass the border" I asked. "Cuz we are smuggling wild mandrakes into America. I couldn't help but wonder how we were going to cross the ocean, but my thoughts were quickly distracted by the Tallest most beautiful black woman i have ever seen. She had to have been 6'9" with light skin and long flowing robes. She also wore a turban which made me think terrorist but I didn't say anything. "I know your wondering how we are going to get over the water" She said, I nodded in response. "The answer will come with the morning for now we fuck" I looked around to see where Led was thinking it was kind of rude of her to say that right in front of me. "I was talking to you Thor" Miss. Velvet said, Led was no where to be found. It was the most incredible sex I have ever had. It seemed like my dick was harder & longer, and I was fucking harder & longer than ever. After a few minutes of this we went to sleep. The next morning I woke to find myself alone, naked, cold, and all of my shit was gone. WTF I thought. I figured they had played me for a fool and started to think of what to do next when a familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. "Thor here we are" I looked to find Miss. Velvet standing on the van in the middle of the water. I hopped in. Led asked me why I was heading to Mexico. I was afraid it would eventually happen."I killed my wife for cheating on me. They were gonna hang me if I didn't get outa there". After a few hours of sailing and a few quickies with Miss Velvet we were in Texas.
I will never forget her or that magic van that ran on sex and voodoo.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 24, 2008 14:14:40 GMT -5
Young adventures in the Graple Orchards.
I visited her one summer to help with the Graple orchard While my uncle had chlomidia. Oh the Adventures my cousins and I had. We would eat graples till we came then have a few more, just to top it off. I lost my virginity in that orchard, well mind virginity. Theres nothing like your cousin offering her sweet young body to you. You cant say yes but it hurts so much to say no.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 25, 2008 21:11:02 GMT -5
My birth.
The black monk of Fuc that raised me from a baby, named Rick, told me long ago my story.
Rick was walking through the forest outside of the monastery doing his his job as grounds keeper. He was walking through the same forest he had known for a 100 years and yet suddenly he found himself lost. Rick began to panic after a fast prayer he calmed down enough to try to find his way through the forest. As he walked he contemplated how he could have been lost in the forest he'd known since his childhood.
Rick began thinking so hard he did not even notice where he was walking and shortly walked right off the side of a small drop off. After a little tumble the monk found himself at the mouth of a rather shallow cave. In the cave was a small red fawn. The monk gasped as he realized what was happening. He was the one who would find the chosen one. The Crimson Fawn was obviously impregnated. It began to lay down and scream the most awful yell Rick had ever heard.
He could see the young virgin fawn's muscles strain as it pushed the child from it's loins. After 4 long hours the tiny Fawn had successfully Released me from it's womb. I ripped the placenta from my skin and devoured it. I then turned toward my weakened mother.
I walked over to her and twisted her neck. After killing her I then ate her as well. After erasing every trace of my mother from the earth, I fell balling to the earth. Rick ran to me and lifted and wrapped me in a cloth. He then miraculously new his way through the forest and back to the Fuc kings monastery.
He announced to all the monks "THE FUTURE KING OF FUC, THE CHOSEN ONE, HAS COME!!!". He lifted me over his head to show me to all the men. Cheers were heard throughout the kingdom.
And that's Y I am the fucking Fuc King, and how I got all the slaves and crocs and stores. Oh, and it's how I was born.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 26, 2008 15:50:24 GMT -5
How I became friends with J.R.R. Tolkien.
Well one day as I traveled through the cold Russian tundra in search of my cousin Flourina I became weak, dehydrated, and tired. I fainted in the middle of no where with nothing around me but tiny dead trees and the distant sounds of caribou vigorously fucking.
I barely remember anything but the cold frozen ground pressed against my body as I woke. It was fuzzy but I could make out the shape of what seemed to me a large furry beast just befor I passed back out.
When I woke again i was in front of a warm fire lying on a large caribou fur rug. Confused I tried to get up but couldn't move. When I looked down I quickly found why. The entire front of my body was a dark purple almost black color. Knowing this meant my flesh and muscles were rotting away I began to panic in my head.
An old man with reading glasses shortly came in the room. He came and sat next to me. "You were the Fuc King werent you" He asked. "I am the The king of Fuc" I replied.
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Post by egyptiandong on Sept 26, 2008 16:21:26 GMT -5
"Oh are you" replied the man "Then why are you here?". "I must release my kingdom from the grips of my cousin Rob. He stole my throne and I need to find his weakness from my long lost cousins.".
"I thought you were born from a fawn" said the man "How can you have cousins?"
"The man who raised me told me the legend of my aunt and uncle. My aunt was born of a bear cub, and my uncle of a falcon.".
"Well my name is Tolkee nice to meet you". "What are you going to do with me here?" I asked. "Heal you he replied" he replied. "I learned some elven magic during my travels in middle earth. I should be able to cure you."
After curing me Tolkee and I became good friends. After resting at his cabin for a few days he introduced me to his friend Grey, the one who found me. Grey was a large harry grey beast. He was a Sasquatch.
"Have you met a rather hairy man named Sascrotch?" He asked with a rather hopeful look on his face. "I have" I replied, "How is he, is he healthy and doing well?" He asked very excited. "Why do you care so much?" I asked. "He is my son" Grey replied. "He doesnt even know who I am but I would very much like to meet him. If you see him again will you tell him where to find me." grey asked.
I told him I would oblige, and left again to find Flourina.
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 5, 2008 22:32:12 GMT -5
Flourina
Flourina was a beautiful whore of the frozen tundra village of Roughtlee. As I arrived at the corner she usually worked I was surprised she wasn't there. assuming she was with a client I went to the nearest pub.
Outside of the pub i only saw one small chevy truck. Not wanting to go into a pub to "frisky" I went in. I didn't want to get to drunk or stoned knowing I would need to find Flourina first thing in the morning. Something I didn't realize was that this was one of the most hard core towns outside of Sweden, also the fact that hardly anyone in the village had a car, and the thought of this being the only pub in this tiny village totally escaped me.
Walking into the pub I was immediately greeted by the welcoming sound of thrashing heavy metal guitar, ball numbing double bass, and the hellish growls of a man possessed. I didn't see anything indicating the name of the band, but I could see them. The drummer was a rather pissed off looking Mexican guy, the bassist a kind of short stout looking fellow with a bandanna, and the singer\guitarist a crazy wizard-esque looking long haired, chinstached fucker.
I started drinking and smoking and didn't stop all night. I was in the craziest ball-smashing, tooth-loosing, bone-breaking mosh pit I will ever be in. This place was so crazy at the end of the night the singer threw up and past out after fucking some sexy bitch in the bathroom (I heard that was his trademark). I was so drunk/stoned I should have laid down in the floor of that pub and died, but I didn't. I left the pub bound for debauchery.
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 5, 2008 23:05:34 GMT -5
Well needless to say a destroyed bakery, 8 dead dogs, 5 dead cats, 4 dead cows, and 3 dead cops later I found myself in the Roughtlee prison. Sentenced to death I knew I needed to escape.
The good news was I actually found myself sharing a cell with none other than Flourina. She was in for capin some fucker who didn't pay up being a lone business woman she preferred to be her own pimp. I found it strange unlikely and awesome this was a coed prison. My sentence was not for 2 weeks so i figured I would score some desperate criminal poon-tang before I escaped.
Flourina was much more helpful than my other cousins, Rob's siblings. She didn't even try to fuck me. She told me what she knew about our cousin. I found out from her that Rob is actually gay. With this new information I began thinking of an exit strategy for this prison. Flourina said she would help if I took her with me to Australia, she wanted to live with her sister. This was fine with me considering I needed to find her sister anyway.
A few weeks and many, MANY almost demonic fucks later I decided how we would get out. Being a Fuc warrior I decided to use the skills learned from years of war. I would just kill all the guards with a spoon I had sharpened. The time to do it was during lunch when was the only time they let me out of my cell.
The next day I put my plan into action. I killed the guard closest to me and the game was on. Bullets were flying past my head blood was every where it was a mess. After Flourina stopped shooting only a few guards were left. These were being raped by some super horny inmates. It was odd to me I had never seen a woman rape a man before.
After that we simply walked out of the prison and made our way towards Australia. I found out on the plain, from Flourina, that I had been in an all women prison. She said that all the guards thought I was gay being the reason for putting me there. She didn't here everything but it was something about 18 inches and how I killed one of the cops that night. Not really remembering anything about that night I'm glad not to know what happened.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 6, 2008 7:00:07 GMT -5
;D
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 14, 2008 23:55:25 GMT -5
The night after my kingdom was stolen from me.
That night I wondered for hours through the endless desert surrounding the Fuc kingdom. Using the stars to guide me in the direction of the Portal of the Earthly Demention. Knowing I needed to stop and find shelter before day fully broke, I began digging a hole in the side of a large sand dune. For some reason I thought this was an awesome idea, I was wrong. It took less than an hour for this makeshift cave to collapse on top of me. I struggled for a few hours against the ton of sand all around me but a man can only struggle so long when he can't tell which way is up or down. After a day under the sand I fell into a deep sleep. There were all kinds of odd things orgies, drugs, alcohol, and a huge pit in which men were thrown to fight to their death in the nude. I was brought by some sort of intuition to 2 large throwns. In one sat a tall skinny man with a thick black beard and a jewel encrusted golden turben. In the other was a totally bodacious looking babe with huge tits and an ass you could bounce a coin off of.
The man said to me "Thorr how did you manage to have your kingdom stolen from you by that fag Rob?". At this point I didn't make the connection that Rob was actually homosexual. I finally realized these people in the throwns were the patron gods of my famliy Waheem and Regina. I begged for forgiveness and mercy from the mighty gods. Regina said to me "The only way to achieve teaza and join us in the eternal party is to regain the kingdom of fuc". I pleaded for guidance in my journey. Waheem told me "You need to find your cousins throughout the earthly realm. They will provide you with clues to find an army strong enough to defeat Rob.". Regina then said "Thorr we have decided to grant you with two alter egos as helpers in your journey I will grant you with the ego of the Egyptian it will raise your sexual prowess". and Waheem said "and I grant you the ego of the genie it will help you get things from people my bribing them with a wish".
After this I found myself on top of the sand the next night. I assumed it was all a dream and continued my trek towrds the portal.
I snapped out of my flashback to find myself on the train to Australia. It all suddenly made since to me the heightened sexual prowess, finding out Rob was gay. That wasn't a dream it was real which means I can now control my genie ego. This will come in handy.
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 15, 2008 23:48:43 GMT -5
Flourina's Leg
As we reached Australia I could feel in my gut that something was going to go wrong. Sure enough after getting off the train I looked back just in time to see the train take off to early (a mistake made by the conductor) throwing Flourina off balance as she was stepping down. She fell beneath the mighty wheels of the train a leg crushed under the weight. She screamed obscenities in more languages than I cared to know, some of which, I thought, may have been demonic. I helped her out and using my extensive knowledge in medicine deduced that her leg was not salvageable. I stitched her up as well as I could using the bone of a kangaroo as a needle and the tendons as string. So again we were on our way.
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 16, 2008 0:22:24 GMT -5
Trek through the badlands.
Inga was the last cousin I needed to speak to. She was the wisest and hardest to find. To get to her Flourina would lead me through the unholy badlands of Australia.
I soon realized why this place had the name Badlands. It was bad. No animal could manage to live there other than the native tribes of stoner kangaroos. There were jagged cliffs, fissures in the earth, and no water for miles. We, like idiots, only had a few canteens a piece full of water. This was specially bad considering the amount of work it was going to take to get this one legged whore/pimp across the badlands. Flourina told me there were 6 tasks I had to complete before making it across the badlands. These things she couldn't help me with because the dumb bitch got her leg chopped off.
We came to a huge fissure in the earth that seemed to have no bottom nor end in either direction. The only crossing point was a large log that stretched across. "This is the first task" Flourina informed me "you have to defeat the giant.". Just as I began to think that Flourina had no fucking clue about what she was talking about, A huge beast with the body of a very hairy bastard jumped from the depths of the fissure. "You shall not pass" the man said. I could tell the giant was some breed of sasquatch. "Are you of the assgiliad?" I asked. "No my father was but my mother was a pony *nehaw*". I knew this would be a difficult battle, but I also knew what had to be the weakness of this beast. Sasqui are always hungry and ponies love carrots. Since I had no carrots I decided I was fucked and would have to battle the creature the old fashioned way.
As I drew my battle axe Regina came to me glowing in a golden aura masturbating with a large white dildo. She said "remember the powers you were given. They will help you in these tasks greatly. Also, I have decided to give you this white dildo of the earth. When you twist the bottom and it begins to vibrate you can touch it to the ground and cause an earthquake of incredible proportions." With that she was gone.
I stood there dumb founded holding the still dripping wet dildo thinking of a way to use one of my powers in this situation. Suddenly it came to me. "Ponysquatch do you enjoy carrots?" I asked rather slyly "of course I love carrots." he answered. "Are you hungry oh mighty ponysqui?" I asked "of course I hunger what are you getting at human?". "What if I could provide you with the biggest juiciest most orgasmic carrot you ever laid eyes on?" I proposed, "would you then allow me to pass". The beast stood, stomach growling loudly, thinking for a long while. "Yes I believe I would" he finally said hungrily. "If you wish it I will grant you this carrot but, you must let me pass. The beast agreed and I granted his wish the beast loved the carrot so much that we became friends rather quickly. He pointed me in the right direction and asked me to keep a look out for his father a half-squatch named Sascrotch. I told the ponysquatch where he could find his grandfather and told him he may find answers with him.
I then continued on my quest to find Inga, my long lost cousin.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 16, 2008 8:05:14 GMT -5
Baddassamost!
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