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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 2, 2008 8:05:38 GMT -5
No doubt you are all familiar with the good man Tolkee, and his wonderful tales of courage, valor, magic, strength, buttsecks, and honor. Recently I have, in my vast area of scientific area of research, uncovered some ancient texts written by none other than Tolkee himself, which have previously never been seen before. I believe it to be a manuscript, a working project that was never quite finished. Because you all are interested in Tolkee, I shall post the manuscript here. Read on for this marvelous epic of a young Frobbit (which I have deciphered to be a hobbit with an afro), and his exciting adventures across Shireland.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 2, 2008 8:29:10 GMT -5
Boone sat on the cliffs overlooking his town of Frobbiton, and the Pale Deer River which snaked through it. It was a calm, pastoral scene: young Frobbits were at play in cobblestone streets, farmers were tending the vast expanse of pastures in the surrounding countryside, and trails of smoke weaved their way from the chimneys and in between the multitude of thatched-roofed houses. The ever-present clamor and hubbub of everyday town-life permeated the cool autumn air, and made it's way all the way up on top of the towering cliffs where Boone was sitting.
Boone glanced over at his friend, Charleton, who had his eyes closed and had a pipe hanging lazily out of his mouth, a thin tendril of smoke trailing from the end. Boone took up his own pipe and took a hit, then exhaled a perfect, symmetrical ring of smoke that came from hours of practice.
"This really is the finest weed in all of Shireland, eh, Charleton?" Boone asked, a goofy grin on his face. Charleton, eyes still closed, nodded absently. "Aye, Mister Boone. That it is."
Boone studied the scene below again, like he had for the past 3 years of his young life - through a haze of Shireland's Finest. His cares fled with each passing breeze, and his worries were lost to the wind.
The small figures moving their way through streets suddenly struck Boone as oddly hilarious. Barely able to withhold a storm of laughter, he turned to Charleton. "They look like...ahaha, ants, don't they. Just like ants." He held up his fingers and pretended to squash them. "Ha, that's Missus Landery, who gave us a whooping for stealing her apple pie that last Tuesday, remember?" Charleton nodded absently again. "And that," squish, "is Master Goldham, who ratted us out for tying Missus Olery's dog's legs together then sticking a lit boomcracker up its-" Charleton nodded once more. Boone suddenly couldn't hold it anymore, and roared with unrestrained, pure stoned laughter.
Charleton finally opened his eyes, and said, completely mellow, "I knew we shouldn't of smoked the first crop straight off the bat, Mister Boone."
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This is all I have translated so far, should I continue?
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 2, 2008 13:26:29 GMT -5
Fuck Yeah U should!!!
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 3, 2008 20:00:21 GMT -5
You're in luck, for I just finished a good chunk of translating this very morning!
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Boone and Charleton were lost in the passing daydreams of youth and a low hanging, shape-shifting cloud of smoke. It suddenly occurred to Boone that he had might have had to do something that afternoon. He rubbed his eyes and looked over at Charleton, who was lost in mellow contemplation, eyes closed. He turned back to the village. In the town square, people began to gather and set up tents, tables, and other various festive objects. Confused, Boone turned to his companion. "Charleton?" he asked. "Aye, Mister Boone?" replied Charleton. "What's happening today?" He pointed down below. Charleton slowly took the pipe out of his mouth and squinted his eyes in forced concentration, then suddenly shook his fire-colored fro. "Mister Boone! Today is your uncle's hundred-seventy-eleventh birthday!" Boone let out a yelp and jumped up as he remembered. "Charleton, I've got to down there quick! I'm totally expected!" "Bogus," Charleton muttered under his breath. "I completely forgot, Mister Boone." They quickly stuffed out their pipes and were making their way towards the path down, when Boone stopped. "We'll never make it down in time this way... Charleton, do you know any shortcuts?" Boone wiped his sweaty hands on his leggings; if he was late, he would never hear the end of it from all of Frobbiton - nay, in all of Shireland! "There is a way, Mister Boone. Over yonder about a hundred yards, there's a path down the cliffs. But it's dangerous. We probably shouldn't---" Charleton started, but was cut off by an eager Boone. "Excellent! Let's go!" Boone rushed off, and Charleton followed, groaning. The path - if such it could be called - was more of a steep, jagged, and narrow game-trail, filled with dangerous footing and enough obstructions to scare off even the most bold of mountain goats. And as such, it was not used often, even by the goats themselves. It would be a challenge for even the most skilled climber in Frobbiton in a completely normal state of mind.
As it was, Boone and Charleton were still boulder-slammingly stoned.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 8, 2008 7:26:32 GMT -5
The descent was treacherous, to say in the least. Boone went first, trying to pick his way through the sharp rocks while simultaneously attempting to cling to the scarce vegetation that grew on the side of cliffs. Charleton, reluctantly, followed suite, and slowly they began to make their way down. Still in a haze, they both had to stop often to gather their wits and to not fall off.
At about halfway down, the path ended.
Boone stared in stoned disbelief. "Charleton, you didn't say that the path ended!" A confused Charleton shook his head. "I didn't know that it did, Mister Boone, honest. I thought it went all the way to the river..." Boone looked below: the river, a good fifty feet below, was running deep, swift, and strong. "We're going to have to jump, Charleton," he stated promptly. Charleton just looked at him blankly for a moment, and then, after rubbing his eyes, the point hit home. "Now, Mister Boone, I'm sure your Uncle Billy Bo will understand our being late. We'll just go back up the trail and - Mister Boone!" But it was too late. Boone dived off the ledge they were perched on, straight into the waters below. Charleton groaned. "Why do I have to put up with this?" he said, before plunging off, himself.
---
The water was icy cold, and upon impact Boone felt as if he were frozen. He thrashed wildly as the current swept him down river, then got ahold of himself and swam to the top. He grabbed on to a fortuitous log that was floating by, and waited as he was carried near the shore.
He let go of the log and waded to the shore, using roots to help him climb up. Exhausted, he fell down in a collapsed heap and looked upriver for his friend. He saw nothing. Perplexed, he slowly stood up. "I could have sworn he would follow..." he thought aloud.
Suddenly he heard a shout. "Mister - garlghlh - Boone! - galhgljg" Horrified, Boone remembered that Charleton couldn't swim!
"Charleton, hang on!" he yelled, as he saw a flailing, red-head figure bobbing up and down. Boone quickly dove back into the water and swam with all his might against the strong current to get to Charleton.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 13, 2008 7:32:33 GMT -5
Charleton was being thrashed about as he was washed down the river. Boone swam to try and intercept him before he was completely dragged down. "Hold on, Charleton!"
Charleton, who was by far stockier than Boone, made for a precarious situation for them both as Boone reached him. He reached an arm around Charleton but was almost immediately dragged below. Fortunately, another log was floating by and due to some strange luck, Boone managed to grab ahold during his thrashings, with Charleton in tow. They were pushed towards the shore, and climbed out of the numbing water, both shaking not only from the cold.
"Mr. Boone --ghghgh -- don't you ever -- ghghg --" Charleton stammered out, his teeth chattering. Boone looked sheepish. "Sorry, Charleton. I forgot." "I suppose it's alright, but next time--" "Charleton! The birthday party!" At that, Boone shook himself free of any excess water and began rushing towards the village. Once again bemused, Charleton had no choice but to follow.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 15, 2008 12:44:48 GMT -5
The Grand Dalf watched the surrounding hills go by on either side of him as he sat comfortably in his wagon, which gently and occasionally rocked due to the stones on the dirt road. A long stemmed pipe hung loosely from his mouth, more out of habit than for any actual purpose. He watched the scene pass by, and smiled his knowing smile. "I wonder what Billy Bo has been up to lately?" he pondered.
Soon the outskirts of Frobbiton came into view. Smoke could be seen trailing from behind the hills, and farms became more and more frequent as the minutes passed. Occasionally a dog would run up to beside the wagon to guard its territory in snarls and barks, but with a wave of a wand and blink of an eye their tails were soon wagging and they scurried off happily back to their owners.
As he went nearer into the depths of the outskirts, children soon were added to the dogs. As he neared the bridge crossing the Pale Deer River, a small posse of children ran out behind his wagon as they realized who it was. "It's the Grand Dalf, the Grand Dalf!" He grinned around his pipe and kept his eyes on the road ahead, and spurred his horses a little faster. The children couldn't keep up, and gave cries of dismay at the lack of attention. Suddenly, boomcrackers and whizzledragons flew out and exploded behind the wagon, creating a dazzling display of colors. The children gave cries of delight, and the older Frobbits, who usually had not much but disdain for the Grand Dalf, gave reluctant smiles and guffaws.
He soon made it to the town itself, receiving a mixture of both hearty greetings and scowls and curses along the way as he went towards Billy Bo's expansive Frobbit Hole - otherwise known as Shag-End. He left his carriage at the bottom of Billy-Bo's path to Shag-End, and proceeded to make his way up to the front entrance.
Pipe still hanging from his mouth, he adjusted his tall hat, smoothed his beard, and knocked three times on the circular door. There was a slight pause, and then a disgruntled voice shouted out, "No, thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well wishers, or weed-sellers!"
The Grand Dalf shook his had, amused. "And what about old dragon slayers?" Again there was a pause, and then the door opened. Below him stood the short Billy-Bo, whose golden fro was the talk of all of Shireland. He looked as young as he did over 50 years ago, which the Grand Dalf noted as quite peculiar. A shocked expression fleeted across Billy-Bo's face, which was replaced by recognition.
"The Grand Dalf! I haven't seen you in ages!" Billy-Bo said, a big grin on his face and a twinkle in his eye. "I knew you'd arrive sometime." He paused in thought. "Boone was wondering when you'd get here. He was worried that you were late!"
The Grandalf harumphed his immaculately trimmed, silver moustachios. "An Epic Wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."
"Of Course, of course! Come in, come in, you must be dreadful hungry, eh?" Billy-Bo started excitedly, motion the tall human into his home. The Grand Dalf followed him, lowering his head so as to not bump it on anything.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 15, 2008 13:09:53 GMT -5
After coming back from slaying the dragon, Billy-Bo had acquired an incredible amount of wealth. When he returned back to Shag-End after those many months, he spent a good portion of it remodeling his ancient, labyrinthine home. In every room were were hookahs, bongs, and pipes of every size, along with a multitude of imported foreign smoking apparatuses whose names could not pronounced by any mortal tongue. Shag rugs, golden statues, beaded curtains, and portraits and busts of strange gods and goddesses were scattered throughout the myriad hallways. Above all, there was omnipresent, low hanging cloud of smoke that wafted throughout every passage and into every room. The Grand Dalf immediately recognized the smoke the to be from the Garubula plant - a low-impact hitter that was often used during casual get togethers, or study sessions. It was of a fine type, too - although he expected nothing less from the most experienced toker in all of Shireland.
He was impressed. "This is quite the place you have here, Billy-Bo. I see you put the wealth you gained from the Dwarves to good use."
Billy-Bo nodded in gratitude. "Thank you, indeed I have! In fact, I just recently received this gracious gift -" he waved to the smoke around them " - only yesterday! Some of the finest Garubula from Brohan, if I say so myself." He moved towards one of his many kitchens and pantries, still talking over his shoulder. "Make yourself at home! I'll get some of the 1579 ale I ordered last week. It's almost as old as I am!" At that he disappeared into one of his rooms, his voice fading as walked away, still talking over his shoulder.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 15, 2008 13:57:19 GMT -5
The Grand Dalf looked around the lobby he was in. It was a high-vaulted room - well, as high vaulted as a room in a Frobbit Hole could be - with a fire blazing merrily away in the fireplace and a long table covered in empty pouches of Taback and weed and remains from previous meals. But what caught his eye in particular were the maps of the world. He bent down to investigate on of them when Billy-Bo came back, still talking.
" - and then Marilise, she's a whole different story. Sometimes she does this twist maneuver and -" he paused, stuffing his mouth with a biscuit in one hand and juggling a pair of ale bottles in the other. He pointed to his mouth and said, "mffmffmfm?" The Grand Dalf replied with a "Oh, not at all!" and took one of the offered ales.
"I see you have your maps out... so you still plan to go through with it?" He asked. Billy-Bo nodded. "Yes," he replied. "Boone knows, but it's just a suspicion. Come, let's say we smoke some of the finest weed in all of Shireland! It's the first crop, you know. Should be a real hitter, eh?" The Grand Dalf gave a warm chuckle, and removed the pipe from his mouth. "That it should. Lead the way!"
After many twists and turns through the hazy halls, they found themselves on a portico overlooking Frobbition and the festivities that were being set up throughout. They lay lazily on a padded bench, pipes lightly clenched in their mouths with a cloud of blue smoke hanging around them. Billy-Bo puffed out a perfectly symmetrical smoke ring, which slowly made its way up to the cloud. The Grand Dalf, never one to miss an opportunity to show off, blew out a smoke-shape almost identically resembling the 6 leaved Jangami plant, which quickly floated inside the circle and stayed in sync with it as it ascended.
Billy-Bo laughed vociferously, his golden fro shaking along with his girth. "My friend, this is going to be an epic night to remember!"
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 16, 2008 8:19:20 GMT -5
Shaking and shivering, Boone and Charleton trudged their way across the hills, hoping to catch a wagon coming from a neighboring village in Shireland. They were in luck, and managed to get a ride in the back of a wagon toting bales of hay. Thankful for the warmth it provided, they buried themselves deep in the bales.
"Charleton?" Boone asked, his teeth still chattering a little. "Aye, Mister Boone?" he replied "Remind me to never jump of a cliff while stoned. No, wait, remind me to not smoke the first crop straight off the bat. Then remind me never to jump off a cliff while stoned." "Aye, Mister Boone."
After that they were silent, watching the hills pass by, the same ones that The Grand Dalf had watched only a few hours earlier. Both were relieved - it was clear they would make it to Billy-Bo's party in time.
Boone started to drift asleep when Charleton asked a question. "Mister Boone? Do you think... Lily will dance with me? Tonight?" Charleton coughed nervously. "You know, at the party?" Boone sat up and laughed light-heartedly at his friend's nervousness. "Of course she will, Charleton! Why wouldn't she? Besides," he winked mischeviously, "there'll be plenty of drinks to change her mind if she proves otherwise!"
"Mister Boone!" Charleton exclaimed, punching him in the shoulder. They both fell back laughing, still slightly buzzed despite the frigid dunking they had.
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 16, 2008 15:08:57 GMT -5
Dude badass date rape. J/K bout the date rape. not kidding bout the badassery.
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Post by sascrotch on Oct 17, 2008 9:20:46 GMT -5
epic much?
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 22, 2008 7:36:31 GMT -5
Doc Merry and Pimpin Tooke looked each other in the eyes, then nodded with mock solemnity.
"Let's do this, Doc." "Right, Tooke."
Doc Merry held the massive firework steady, which was in the shape of a Kanaja bud, while Pimpin Tooke took the lit pipe from his mouth and moved it towards the fuse. He stopped an inch from the tip of it, and started giggling. Doc kicked him in the shin, which brought a yelp.
"Tooke, concentrate, lad!" he said, and almost started giggling himself - the mixture of anticipation of one of the most epic stunts they would ever pull and a the first crop of Shireland's finest put them on an incredibly giddy edge.
Pimpin Tooke shook his fro to try and sober himself. "Right, sorry, Doc." He moved the pipe back to the fuse, and only after a half-second of hesitation, he stuck the pot-end on the end of it. Immediately the thick cord hissed to life, lighting up the dark tent in a flickering, bright orange glow. Both started shaking with laughter at the thought of the pandemonium they were going cause, when in sudden horror Doc Merry realized they hadn't set it in the ground, OR took it out of the tent.
Wide-eyed, they looked at each other again throught stoned, half-understanding eyes. Doc shoved the lit firework towards Tooke. "Do something!" Aghast, Tooke shoved it back. "You were supposed to secure it, lad!" "What? No, you said you would---!"
*fffsshshswwwww*
The firework took off in a crackling and deafening roar, knocking them both to the ground, faces singed.
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Post by egyptiandong on Oct 22, 2008 13:12:14 GMT -5
dude perty awesome.
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Post by Viking Dong on Oct 23, 2008 7:51:35 GMT -5
Boone and Charleton walked into the edge of town, mostly dry and anxious to finally get to the party as the festivities had already started. The outskirts were deserted, with a few lamps here and there in the empty houses as dusk began to fall. They hurriedly made their way through the cobblestone streets towards the main square, the raucous sound of drunk and dancing Frobbits filling the the cool, evening air.
Just as they reached the edge of the tents, there was a massive explosion. All of a sudden a giant green, fiery shape launched into the sky from the center of the tents.
WILL EDIT AFTER CLASS
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